the ups and downs

Some days I am so optimistic that everything is going to turn out okay and other days I am preoccupied with terrible thoughts. Some days it starts out good and turns to bad by the time I get to work other days I'm perfectly happy at work and as soon as I walk in the door it turns bad. At least at work I have two great employees that keep my mind off IF. They are both 8 years younger than me and single so baby making is not even in their realm. They both know a bit of what I am going through, after being secretive about dr. appointments they started to think something was really really wrong so I told them before they started rumors I was dieing. But then I come home...and everything at home reminds me we don't have a baby yet. The empty room down the hall (ok, it has a mattress and junk we don't use in it and my bff stays there sometimes) that we had painted pale blue when we had the rest of the house painted, baby announcements from friends come in the mail, prenatal vitamins on the counter, dr. appointments marked on the calendar and so on. Then I go for a walk in our neighborhood, which I love. Within 1/2 mile I pass two playgrounds that I can't wait to take our kids to, a soccer field that always seems to have practice going on, so many strollers I can't keep count (and I've noticed a high number of twins lately...I always wonder if they had IF too), and at the end of my loop is the hospital I hope to have our babies at as I was born there too.