2 shots down...

and it wasn't that bad!

advise

One thing I have to written about is the terrible miscarriage my sister went through a few weeks back, she was only 9 weeks along. I am not going to go into the details as it was terrible but she is going to be okay and can start trying again as soon as her period returns.

The issue is how to handle my mom. My mom felt the need to call me up with all the details and lean on me as her own support b/c my mom "was having a very hard time coming to terms with losing the baby" I finally had to tell her to stop calling me as I was dealing with my own emotional issues and could not take hearing all the details as it was actually giving me nightmares. I mean, who tells someone else who you know is actively ttc (through treatments no less) the details of some one's m/c! my mom, that's who!

So now anytime I share a detail of what we are going through my mom has to relate it to my sister. Me: we had to have genetic testing done as part of ivf. My mom: oh, maybe your sister should get tested b/c of the m/c. Me: as part of the ivf , if I were to get pregnant, I will have more testing done in the beginning to confirm everything. My mom: oh, maybe your sisters drs. will do the same thing, you know, b/c of the m/c. She always end the conversation with, "I just know this will work for you" followed up by "I really wonder how your sister is doing emotionally. and you know she is anaemic, I am really worried she will get the swine flu." Get the point? Normally I would just avoid said mother, but that will be rather hard over Thanksgiving. what to do...

on the eve

Tomorrow morning I will go for the baseline sono and e2 b/w and start lupron. I have to admit as excited as I am to get this going I am also nervous! What if this doesn't work, what if we should have just kept trying with out help a little longer, what if the meds make me crazy, what if I have a break down, what if my husband has a break down, what if I do get pregnant to only have a m/c, and the list goes on. I know logically in my head that we can not conceive on our own, I rarely O and DH has very few good sperm so the chances of the two meeting are little to none. But I been thinking, since late Aug. we haven't been "trying" per say b/c I went through a clomid cycle where I never Oed and then I went on bcp for ivf. What if one of the past few months I would have Oed on my own and maybe one of DH sperm could have found it. maybe.

and when did I start referring to Oing is in ovulating and not as in Orgasm? Oh, that's right, when I figured out I don't ovulate.

To remain on the positive side we have made a day of it tomorrow. Since we have to get up early, as the RE's office is only open from 8-8:30, we are going to breakfast right after and then to a museum, then we are going to watch the afternoon football games. and sometime in there I will take the plunge and give myself the 1st injection! Though I secretively want to take it to the RE's office and let them do it for me:)

my day off

I'm not going to vent any further on my horrible experience with my RE's receptionist this morning. But I will be glaring at her each and every time I walk through those doors.

I guess I am the crazy one though, b/c today I purchased 4 Christmas stockings. I really fell in love with these stockings and tree skirt at crate and barrel and I know they wont have them next year. So I bought 4, 2 for now and 2 for hopefully sometime in the foreseeable future. I might hide the other 2 from DH as he will may think I'm really crazy. He already found my stash of PBK catalogs and "recycled" them. It is silly to keep the catalogs around, but its not like I was ordering from them!

Can I hide until Jan?

This weekend I was asked by two of DH's old frat brothers asked when I "would start popping out little ones". "Do you really care?" is what I wanted to say but I always say when DH stops acting like a child himself I will consider it. Then one of them proceeds to tell me how he can't wait to get his wife pregnant and how he is shooting it up in her so if she doesn't want kids yet she better provide the birth control. Thanks for the description. She is still a total party girl and partaking in actives that no one considering getting pregnant should be doing! Hell, no one our age should be doing. I don't claim to be a saint but I reserved all my craziness for my early 20's. So...I'll expect her pregnancy announcement by Christmas b/c that's how life works!

Is anyone else afraid to open Christmas cards? Every year we get a few "we're pregnant" announcements inside the Christmas cards. Let alone all the baby and kiddo pics. This year I think I just might display the sealed envelopes. If anyone asks I'll just say we are waiting to open them until Christmas morning b/c we are skipping presants to save for IVF #2 if this one fails. Which is pretty much the case! This one will pretty much wipe out my insurance $ and I just don't feel right spending money on Christmas knowing we could need it. Which just makes me sad about the holidays all together.

Could this week be any longer!

Highlights include picking up my bag o'fun of meds and two acupuncture treatments. The rest was just work, work, some working out, and heartburn from the bcps. Oh, and the night my dh forgot to tell me he had a contractor coming to look at our roof. So, I'm home alone and hear pounding on our front door. I don't answer b/c I don't really care who is at our door and they shouldn't pound like that. Well they finally give up. I peer out our upstairs window and see a man in our front yard shining a flash light at house and in the windows. Well, this is enough to freak me out so I call the police and then my bff until the police arrive. The man had finally drives off right before the police arrived but they went to patrol our neighborhood anyhow. Finally DH calls me, and says opps, I forgot to tell you someone was coming to look at our roof...I said yeah, lets not use them b/c I called the police on them! He had 3 missed calls from the contractor and like 7 from me, he knew that wasn't good! And this is at least the 5th or 6th time its happened but it is the first time I called the police. Its like a hobby for him to look up contractors, waste their time to come out here and not to be home. And my DH is an PM for a large scale general contractor! I usually do answer the door and look like the dumb wife who hasn't a clue what's going on b/c he forgets to tell me!

On to the bag o'fun of meds. Its is kind of like Christmas...I opened it all up and checked it out, did some googleing (then stopped b/c that never ends well) and now its just waiting for 11/22.

As for my SIL. I would love to be out in open with her but I don't know how to bring it up. I did forward her an email this week a friend of mine sent me for a promo code on baby products (My friend sent it to a group of us and said they made great shower gifts etc.) So I forward the email to my SIL and just say " I thought I would pass this along in case you wanted to get one of your friends something or in case you knew anyone else who was expecting... :)" I didn't get any response, but at least now she knows that I know something is up. She does have two friends who are pregnant right now so its not totally off base. I'm not going to come out and ask her b/c really it isn't my business if they are ttc and she does have a right to her privacy. Thanksgiving should be FUN!

playing the game

Its so silly. Its pretty obvious my SIL is ttc or even pregnant. And I know she suspects I am too. She has been watching my alcohol intake for the last 7/8 months. I've always cut out alcohol during the 2ww and if we were at a family dinner during that time I would just have a glass of wine over the course of 3 hours. Well DH's family are big wine drinkers so they constantly want to refill your glass. So I know she has picked up on it. I also wasn't drinking while on clomid because of the terrible hot flashes and she picked up on that too. Alcohol does not seem to be my friend lately so I've pretty much quit drinking going into my IVF cycle. More than a glass of wine and too many emotions come out. Plus bcps make me nauseous enough.

So last night there was a big dinner for my MIL's birthday. When everyone was arriving at the restaurant I noticed my SIL was only drinking sparkling water with a lime. All I thought was please don't let her make a big announcement at dinner! Then she come over to me and basically kept trying to figure out a way to get me a drink. Um, I see the waitress too, if I wanted something I'd order it! When the waitress came around and I said I was fine, she come over and was like "oh, let me get you some wine". Its like she wanted to hear me flat out decline to drink! I just said I'll wait until dinner. Then all through dinner she kept watching my glass (which I was drinking but slowly). Then she whispered to her husband to look at my glass (I could half hear her and then he was pretty freaking obvious). Well she wasn't drinking either! At the end of dinner I took a look. Her glass was full with out any lipstick marks on it.

I leave her alone about it, I wish she would do the same for me. I feel like one of us is going to be hurt when the other one gets pregnant. Her constant monitoring of what I'm doing makes me feel like this is a competition. Ok vent over.

And Now Its On!

My RE was able to work out a calendar for me to cycle before Christmas! I know each step along the way has to go off with out a hitch but I am being optimistic. I started the bcp last night and will take them until 11/24.

11/22 start lupron
11/24 stop bcps
12/3 start follistim
12/14 to 12/17 ER
12/17 to 12/20 ET
Beta before New Years!

I full well know in my heart that our first IVF cycle may not work. I am only going to think positive thoughts though. I also started acupuncture to help relax and I'm going to use it with the ivf protocal. Can't hurt right?