I'm PREGNANT!

I'm going to go buy a test so I can see it for my self! Sat. will be my second beta but I feel good for now!

The dr. office left me two messages!! Why two?? I can't decide if thats good or bad but I have 10 min. until I can leave and about 40 min. until I'm home to listen to them!!! Its killing me!

and today it is

My beta is today and I held out on testing at home. I really don't have a feeling either way....I have some "symptoms" which could either be in my head or a side effect of something I'm taking. I don't have any bad signs either, no major cramping, no spotting, etc. So I will find out at 4:30 today when I get home from work and listen to the message with dh. 9 more hours of hope!

one would think

that since I've been out of work and on bed rest I might have some time to recap the ER or ET or anything in between. I guess I just don't know what to say. I started to over stimulate so my dr. put me on bed rest. The first 3 days I felt so terrible I didn't care or want to do anything. The next day was my transfer, I was pretty sore after that. My ovaries are 10 cm and should be 3. She was very concerned and almost canceled my transfer. With only 4 embryos I was just too afraid to not transfer anything. So we settled on one. She said I was too high risk for OHSS to risk putting 2 back in and ending up with twins. I went back in this morning and one ovary is 8 cm and the other is 10. So, more bed rest! I'm drinking my smart water and taking doxtinx (sp? and I'm not getting up to look at the bottle). I'm feeling better but I can't take any risks. I really want this pregnancy to take, more than anything. And it doesn't help that only one of our embryos made it to freeze :( I'm really lucky that I have an understanding boss!

So, maybe later tonight or tomorrow I will recap the ER or ET and the silly and dumb stuff my husband has been doing, including tell the RE right before I was taken in to the ER about his head aches, like she was going to do something for him!

a year in review

12 Refills of prenatal vitamins
11 Shots of Lupron
10 BFN's
9 Eggs retrieved
8 More prescriptions
7 days of stims
6 sonograms
5 Mood Swings!
4 Crying Spells
3 days in bed
2 embryos
and a trigger shot in me

ET

at 11:30 tomorrow! We have 3 maybe 4 very good embryos!

4

only 4 fertilized. I am very worried that they won't make it to the day 3 transfer! I am trying to remain positive, this is 4 more fertilized eggs then we have ever had!

9 eggs

9 good eggs, waiting for the call today to see how many fertilized. Resting in bed drinking lots of gatorade!

one day left

ER is tomorrow am at 6:30am, which is perfect so we don't have to worry about rush hour traffic and I should be home by 10am! Heading to brunch with friend this am then I am sitting on my ass the rest of the day.

heading for b/w and last sono

b/c I am going to trigger tonight! Yesterday they taught dh how to give me a shot in the backside, today I'm buying him an orange to practise on. He makes me nervous!

Must get going but I will have to update on my mood swings and dh's apparent death wish.

good morning!

You know when you have too many dates with the vage cam when getting dressed you skip underwear b/c it will just save time at your appointment. or maybe you just haven't done laundry to have any clean ones. None the less I am off work today so I'm not sitting in my office commando and I will do some laundry at some point today.

The follies are all looking good, retrieval looking like Sunday or Monday!

watch out michelle dugger...

b/c I have 18+ follies!

stims tomorrow am are cut in half, waiting on b/w, going back tomorrow am.

better today, I think

Turns out my E2 levels were at 660 yesterday, too high for this early in the game. That prob. explains why I have felt so terrible the last few days. So my dr. uped the Lupron back to 10 units. So far this am I am feeling a bit better, then again I'm sure I'll get to work and want to come home! I have no choice today though as I have to work on my year end check list. Boooh. Too bad I used up sick days through out the year when AF would show up. I have 4.5 days left which I am saving for my **knock on wood** retrieval and transfer next week or so. And as silly as it sounds I don't want to use my vaca time that will carry over so I can **knock on wood** use it for m. leave next year. ok, time for my follistim shot!

:)

I have lots of follies measuring right on track around 10mm! Just waiting for b/w to come back but the nurse we really pleased this am. I like to celebrate each little step:)

Its cold outside!

and I need to head to my first follie check. I have the day off so at this time I'm just delaying going out in the cold. 4 days of stims down and I do "feel" something so I really hoping there is something to see this morning.

Friday's night holiday party was good, couldn't eat a thing! This is some diet let me tell you! Sat. I went for acupuncture, met a friend for lunch (I only ate mashed potatoes), got my hair cut and then headed to dh's company party. EVERYTHING served at dinner made me gage, esp. the crab soup. So sad b/c I love crab soup! And of course the guy sitting next to me too forever to eat his so I had to smell it and gage for a half hour. I did manage to not get quested for my lack of drinking...ginger ale and a cherry worked just fine for me. But then again the co-workers dh talks to the most are single/just dating girls and don't tune into such nonsense as other people I know.

So to drink or not to drink while cycling- Well my poor stomach made that decision for me. Between the terrible heart burn and now this I have ZERO desire to want a drink of anything. But I read questions from girls who ask if they can drink, how much, etc. Then you see someone respond to them who says "I drank during all three of my ivf cycles" Really??? I just seem to think mixing alcohol with all those meds can't be good! Maybe a glass of wine with a meal here and there but social drinking? I know no one wants questions as to why they are not drinking but you shouldn't let what your friends think effect your decision in this, its just too big! All I can say is I want a BABY more than a drink. I rather deal with questions as to why I'm not drinking than risk mixing alcohol with those meds. And how does anyone really know what effect alcohol has on your body's response to the meds? Everyone is different and every cycle is different, so you I don't think you can say- I didn't drink with ivf #1 and I drank with ivf#2 and both were bfn so alcohol didn't effect the out come. Sorry if this offends anyone and please don't think I'm a prude who never drank! Once upon a time I was a big time party girl...how do you think I met my husband? ok, off my soap box now:)

2 days of stims

and counting...

I was also just put on metformin which I am blaming for the horrible condition my poor stomach is in. I've lost 2 lbs in 2 days, so hopefully today will be better! Though I have zero desire to eat anything right now. Tonight's holiday party should be real fun!

I did reach out to my SIL with a congrats email. That just turned to a reply about how they saw the babies heart beat for the first time and how magical that was. Then I spent the next hour crying. Next time I'll let Hallmark say it for me!

10 shots down...

and I am good to start stims tomorrow!

The week has been ups and downs as usual. My competitive SIL as DH to go to lunch with her last Wed, the day before thanksgiving b/c she was off work. Of course I knew what was up. She is 11 weeks. After her announcement, DH says he congratulated her, asked when the baby was due and all that good stuff, and then he wanted to craw under the table. He knew what was up too b4 he went to lunch but didn't think it would bother him so much. Welcome to my world!

This is what makes me upset- I know she could tell something was bothering him (um, she has known him for the past 30 years and it quite clear when he is uncomfortable) so she asks him "when we will give her nieces or nephews?" Totally putting him on the spot! (Background to this- her and I had previous conversations about how it is so rude to ask and or joke about when someone is going to get pregnant b/c you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Her bff was desperately trying, no one knew, and their friends would always make comments to her about getting pregnant. ) So WTF??

1st- if I was pregnant (which is what she thought) let us tell you when we want to tell you!
2nd- it really came across as, let me see if you are planning an announcement on top of mine at thanksgiving tomorrow.
3rd- if DH didn't share news after you did, take a effing hint!
4th- it really seems like she planned to ask him questions going to lunch w/o her husband or me.

So what does DH do...he blurts out we are trying and can't get pregnant with out IVF right now!

Let's just say the rest of lunch was pretty uncomfortable. He explained that things were off on both our ends, that we have been seeing specialist and are going through the process now. He also told her how extremely difficult this has been on me and there are to be ZERO questions or comments, even well meaning, made to me on this topic. She felt terrible for asking (effing serves her right!) and swears she will not be telling anyone. Though I'm not holding my breath.

I was pretty angry at DH for telling her, but I think he has finally reached his bolling point with our situation. We had a pretty big fight wed. night and by Thursday am it was all good. However we decided to just see my family on thanksgiving and when to the movies instead. I recommend seeing the Blindside. Neither of us could sit through her announcements.

Now, its been a week and I still have not be able to bring myself to congratulate her. I can't call b/c I'll cry, I cry thinking about it (did I mention the 10 shots?). I was thinking an email or a card. Prob. a card b/c an email will get a reply back and rather not talk about it.

2 shots down...

and it wasn't that bad!

advise

One thing I have to written about is the terrible miscarriage my sister went through a few weeks back, she was only 9 weeks along. I am not going to go into the details as it was terrible but she is going to be okay and can start trying again as soon as her period returns.

The issue is how to handle my mom. My mom felt the need to call me up with all the details and lean on me as her own support b/c my mom "was having a very hard time coming to terms with losing the baby" I finally had to tell her to stop calling me as I was dealing with my own emotional issues and could not take hearing all the details as it was actually giving me nightmares. I mean, who tells someone else who you know is actively ttc (through treatments no less) the details of some one's m/c! my mom, that's who!

So now anytime I share a detail of what we are going through my mom has to relate it to my sister. Me: we had to have genetic testing done as part of ivf. My mom: oh, maybe your sister should get tested b/c of the m/c. Me: as part of the ivf , if I were to get pregnant, I will have more testing done in the beginning to confirm everything. My mom: oh, maybe your sisters drs. will do the same thing, you know, b/c of the m/c. She always end the conversation with, "I just know this will work for you" followed up by "I really wonder how your sister is doing emotionally. and you know she is anaemic, I am really worried she will get the swine flu." Get the point? Normally I would just avoid said mother, but that will be rather hard over Thanksgiving. what to do...

on the eve

Tomorrow morning I will go for the baseline sono and e2 b/w and start lupron. I have to admit as excited as I am to get this going I am also nervous! What if this doesn't work, what if we should have just kept trying with out help a little longer, what if the meds make me crazy, what if I have a break down, what if my husband has a break down, what if I do get pregnant to only have a m/c, and the list goes on. I know logically in my head that we can not conceive on our own, I rarely O and DH has very few good sperm so the chances of the two meeting are little to none. But I been thinking, since late Aug. we haven't been "trying" per say b/c I went through a clomid cycle where I never Oed and then I went on bcp for ivf. What if one of the past few months I would have Oed on my own and maybe one of DH sperm could have found it. maybe.

and when did I start referring to Oing is in ovulating and not as in Orgasm? Oh, that's right, when I figured out I don't ovulate.

To remain on the positive side we have made a day of it tomorrow. Since we have to get up early, as the RE's office is only open from 8-8:30, we are going to breakfast right after and then to a museum, then we are going to watch the afternoon football games. and sometime in there I will take the plunge and give myself the 1st injection! Though I secretively want to take it to the RE's office and let them do it for me:)

my day off

I'm not going to vent any further on my horrible experience with my RE's receptionist this morning. But I will be glaring at her each and every time I walk through those doors.

I guess I am the crazy one though, b/c today I purchased 4 Christmas stockings. I really fell in love with these stockings and tree skirt at crate and barrel and I know they wont have them next year. So I bought 4, 2 for now and 2 for hopefully sometime in the foreseeable future. I might hide the other 2 from DH as he will may think I'm really crazy. He already found my stash of PBK catalogs and "recycled" them. It is silly to keep the catalogs around, but its not like I was ordering from them!

Can I hide until Jan?

This weekend I was asked by two of DH's old frat brothers asked when I "would start popping out little ones". "Do you really care?" is what I wanted to say but I always say when DH stops acting like a child himself I will consider it. Then one of them proceeds to tell me how he can't wait to get his wife pregnant and how he is shooting it up in her so if she doesn't want kids yet she better provide the birth control. Thanks for the description. She is still a total party girl and partaking in actives that no one considering getting pregnant should be doing! Hell, no one our age should be doing. I don't claim to be a saint but I reserved all my craziness for my early 20's. So...I'll expect her pregnancy announcement by Christmas b/c that's how life works!

Is anyone else afraid to open Christmas cards? Every year we get a few "we're pregnant" announcements inside the Christmas cards. Let alone all the baby and kiddo pics. This year I think I just might display the sealed envelopes. If anyone asks I'll just say we are waiting to open them until Christmas morning b/c we are skipping presants to save for IVF #2 if this one fails. Which is pretty much the case! This one will pretty much wipe out my insurance $ and I just don't feel right spending money on Christmas knowing we could need it. Which just makes me sad about the holidays all together.

Could this week be any longer!

Highlights include picking up my bag o'fun of meds and two acupuncture treatments. The rest was just work, work, some working out, and heartburn from the bcps. Oh, and the night my dh forgot to tell me he had a contractor coming to look at our roof. So, I'm home alone and hear pounding on our front door. I don't answer b/c I don't really care who is at our door and they shouldn't pound like that. Well they finally give up. I peer out our upstairs window and see a man in our front yard shining a flash light at house and in the windows. Well, this is enough to freak me out so I call the police and then my bff until the police arrive. The man had finally drives off right before the police arrived but they went to patrol our neighborhood anyhow. Finally DH calls me, and says opps, I forgot to tell you someone was coming to look at our roof...I said yeah, lets not use them b/c I called the police on them! He had 3 missed calls from the contractor and like 7 from me, he knew that wasn't good! And this is at least the 5th or 6th time its happened but it is the first time I called the police. Its like a hobby for him to look up contractors, waste their time to come out here and not to be home. And my DH is an PM for a large scale general contractor! I usually do answer the door and look like the dumb wife who hasn't a clue what's going on b/c he forgets to tell me!

On to the bag o'fun of meds. Its is kind of like Christmas...I opened it all up and checked it out, did some googleing (then stopped b/c that never ends well) and now its just waiting for 11/22.

As for my SIL. I would love to be out in open with her but I don't know how to bring it up. I did forward her an email this week a friend of mine sent me for a promo code on baby products (My friend sent it to a group of us and said they made great shower gifts etc.) So I forward the email to my SIL and just say " I thought I would pass this along in case you wanted to get one of your friends something or in case you knew anyone else who was expecting... :)" I didn't get any response, but at least now she knows that I know something is up. She does have two friends who are pregnant right now so its not totally off base. I'm not going to come out and ask her b/c really it isn't my business if they are ttc and she does have a right to her privacy. Thanksgiving should be FUN!

playing the game

Its so silly. Its pretty obvious my SIL is ttc or even pregnant. And I know she suspects I am too. She has been watching my alcohol intake for the last 7/8 months. I've always cut out alcohol during the 2ww and if we were at a family dinner during that time I would just have a glass of wine over the course of 3 hours. Well DH's family are big wine drinkers so they constantly want to refill your glass. So I know she has picked up on it. I also wasn't drinking while on clomid because of the terrible hot flashes and she picked up on that too. Alcohol does not seem to be my friend lately so I've pretty much quit drinking going into my IVF cycle. More than a glass of wine and too many emotions come out. Plus bcps make me nauseous enough.

So last night there was a big dinner for my MIL's birthday. When everyone was arriving at the restaurant I noticed my SIL was only drinking sparkling water with a lime. All I thought was please don't let her make a big announcement at dinner! Then she come over to me and basically kept trying to figure out a way to get me a drink. Um, I see the waitress too, if I wanted something I'd order it! When the waitress came around and I said I was fine, she come over and was like "oh, let me get you some wine". Its like she wanted to hear me flat out decline to drink! I just said I'll wait until dinner. Then all through dinner she kept watching my glass (which I was drinking but slowly). Then she whispered to her husband to look at my glass (I could half hear her and then he was pretty freaking obvious). Well she wasn't drinking either! At the end of dinner I took a look. Her glass was full with out any lipstick marks on it.

I leave her alone about it, I wish she would do the same for me. I feel like one of us is going to be hurt when the other one gets pregnant. Her constant monitoring of what I'm doing makes me feel like this is a competition. Ok vent over.

And Now Its On!

My RE was able to work out a calendar for me to cycle before Christmas! I know each step along the way has to go off with out a hitch but I am being optimistic. I started the bcp last night and will take them until 11/24.

11/22 start lupron
11/24 stop bcps
12/3 start follistim
12/14 to 12/17 ER
12/17 to 12/20 ET
Beta before New Years!

I full well know in my heart that our first IVF cycle may not work. I am only going to think positive thoughts though. I also started acupuncture to help relax and I'm going to use it with the ivf protocal. Can't hurt right?

Merry Christmas Honey!

This will be our 6th Christmas together (officially together, not counting the on and off years of my early 20's). My how times have changed....year one I gave him crotchless panties (for me of course!) and he gave me a spa gift certificate, year two I gave him an XM radio and he gave me a blue topaz necklace, year three, well I don't remember what I gave him but I got the matching john hardy bracelet, year four we took a December trip to St. Thomas and I think I weaseled out a lemon quarts cocktail ring, last year he wanted this huge tool chest which I had shipped to the house, I couldn't bring it in from the porch so DH had to bring in his own gift. Well the box was wet from the rain and the tool chest slid out and dropped on his foot causing his big toe to swell and then we had to cancel our New Years plans. A few dr. appointments later and some antibiotics he was just fine. I will only purchase presents for DH that I can lift my self:) Oh, and year five I got a watch.

So here we are at year six and there is no need to go shopping...because my DH got a Cystic Fibrosis Profile blood test to the tune of $800 out of pocket! Merry Christmas!!

and he is not a carrier, that is good news! We are on separate insurance and his insurance did not see the blood test as necessary :( We are going to appeal but b/c its part of "treatment" we might be SOL.

and on a down...

I am one of the luck 10% of the population who's MMR vaccine wore off! Specifically Rubella. What is rubella you ask? German Measles. What are German measles? Who the eff knows because there were only 11 cases reported in all of 2006. Yes, Rubella could cause one to have to terminate a pregnancy, but only with only 11 cases in a year what are the effing chances one would even come in contact with it! and it is by no means common screening when a couple is just trying to get pregnancy, but with IVF its required. Someone should warn the general public who is just haphazardly having sex to make babies that there is a safer way. I wouldn't be sooo annoyed but I must wait 30 days after the shot to continue treatments. That is putting us boarder line with being able to cycle before the Christmas break. I can wait 30 days but if I have to wait till January I'll be pretty unhappy.

on an UP :)

This week was def. one of the better weeks. AF showed up on Tuesday and I started birth control on Wednesday for my IVF cycle! BCBS agreed with my logic and approved us to move right to IVF and even gave it to us in writing! I'm going in tomorrow for more b/w and for a "sounding" so the doc know just where to place the embryos...which hopefully we will have. I should also get my calendar tomorrow. Can't wait, this is like Christmas for me:)

the ups and downs

Some days I am so optimistic that everything is going to turn out okay and other days I am preoccupied with terrible thoughts. Some days it starts out good and turns to bad by the time I get to work other days I'm perfectly happy at work and as soon as I walk in the door it turns bad. At least at work I have two great employees that keep my mind off IF. They are both 8 years younger than me and single so baby making is not even in their realm. They both know a bit of what I am going through, after being secretive about dr. appointments they started to think something was really really wrong so I told them before they started rumors I was dieing. But then I come home...and everything at home reminds me we don't have a baby yet. The empty room down the hall (ok, it has a mattress and junk we don't use in it and my bff stays there sometimes) that we had painted pale blue when we had the rest of the house painted, baby announcements from friends come in the mail, prenatal vitamins on the counter, dr. appointments marked on the calendar and so on. Then I go for a walk in our neighborhood, which I love. Within 1/2 mile I pass two playgrounds that I can't wait to take our kids to, a soccer field that always seems to have practice going on, so many strollers I can't keep count (and I've noticed a high number of twins lately...I always wonder if they had IF too), and at the end of my loop is the hospital I hope to have our babies at as I was born there too.

While I'm at it...

Dear Blue Cross Blue Shield,

Please approve me to move straight to IVF and skip the IUI. Our chances on our own are like, um .01% with my PCOS and DH 1% morphology. Our chances with IUI are not much better...and to even make it worth trying DH count would need to improve and that could take months. So here is my thoughts BCBS- I have $20K to work with-

Let us do IVF- let say it cost you $13K - b/c we need ICSI too.

You could win, cycle one could work! Saving BCBS $7k

If not, I would have $7k left to do FET (if we are lucky), or try IUI (b/c even thought the plan is IVF DH will be seeing dr. to see if the count will come up)

Results- BCBS out $20K and we are then OOP.

If we do IUI first...very little chance of working at this point in time...waste $7k in cycles before IVF at $13k...BCBS automatically out $20K.

Now does anyone thing a insurance company will agree with my logic??

I started prometrium to bring on my period (got to day 42 with no O!) and if BCBS smiles on me we will move to IVF w/ISIC when my period starts...should happen between Oct 17 and 21. My RE said we have plenty of time to get an IVF cycle in before they close the lab for Christmas:)

Dear Cat,

While I know one day I will wake up to a vomiting child I really wish I didn't wake up this morning to a vomiting cat...right next to my bed...on my morning to sleep in. I also think it is very sneaky that it happens on the morning your father isn't home. Is this a glimpse into my future?

Dear Husband,

Can you please leave the tooth past when going on a business trip? I understand you looked around and didn't see another tube so you took the only one you could find. But didn't it dawn on you that tube was the only one in the house? You could have used it this morning and picked one up for your self on your way out of town. Now I must brush my teeth with mouth wash.

How can we parent a child

When my husband can't remember tell me he is going to happy hour after work!!! How does one just forget to tell their spouse they are not coming home after work?? and I know he is not doing anything shady, he answered his phone at the bar and was like, "didn't I tell you?" Um, no or I wouldn't be sitting here waiting for you so I could make us dinner!!!!!

Onto other news...we have confirmed the low morphology and are waiting for our IVF plan. I should be speaking to the doctor tomorrow and have a better idea of what is going to happen and hopefully when. I hate not knowing!

I also had a client at work today try to get out of paying a fee because she just found out she is pregnant..."we need to save all we can for the baby" Can I say "we just found out we will need costly procedures to have a baby so I should get a break too!" Why is hers acceptable and mine would never fly! Well, she is asking the wrong person b/c I'm not cutting any breaks! Besides everyone always has a reason for trying not to pay...I don't care! I still have to pay my bills.

My PSA

I guess I have lots to say today! er, maybe because I took a half day to sit at the RE's office...

Back in January when we started ttc, I had my annual visit at the gyno. Told her my past problems with irregular cycles and going months with out a period. I told her in the last 6 months I had actually had 4 periods which for me was alot. She said to try on our own for 6 months and then come back, that many many many couples with irregular cycles conceive on there on, sometimes the very first time.

So that was it, I off with a scrip for prenatals (she prefers the high end ones) and her advise to use opk tests.


5 months later (just because I couldn't wait that extra month...um, gut feeling??) I was back. She said, lets start you on clomid and tested my progesterone to confirm I didn't O the cycle I was in. That was it, she said give the clomid, estrogen, progesterone protocol 3 months and then come back.


Well, that brought me to the RE's office 2 months later. I really started doing my research and found a nice article on clomid as the Valium for women who cry to the gyn about not getting pregnant. (so wish I could find it again to post here). That got me fired up, my problems were real and I felt my gyn wasn't taking me seriously.

On my first visit to the RE she went over medical history for both me and dh. RE's don't let you take clomid with out monitoring you! why? because you could develop cysts, you could think you have your peroid and really be preggo when you start your next cycle, or it may not be working at all! So after a quick sono it was pretty easy to see that I have PCOS. So if my gyn had taken an extra 5 min (or scheduled another appointment even!!) she could have seen that too, all of 8 months ago! I had blood work that day to confirm it and the HSG schedule. She said I could give the clomid another month but I was to come in on day 12 for another sono to see if it was doing anything. Well, despite what the opk test were showing I was not ovulating at all. A retest of the blood work 5 days later still showed nothing was going on. So in conclusion....if my gyn did even one blood test while I was on clomid it could have saved me a few months of useless hot flashes!

Next, I voiced my thought on having my husband get a SA to my gyn before I started the clomid...I told her how he has played very active sports a few times a week for YEARS! She said, yes that could effect his count but most guys who play sports father children with out a problem. After the 3 months of clomid she would test him.

RE- nope, going to test him right away. She says first off its such an easy test (compared to the more invasive HSG for me!) there is no reason to wait. And of course we find out his counts are not good...so even if I had o'd on one of the clomid cycles it wouldn't have really mattered. If the gyn had tested him we would have saved of few months of side effects and tears. Plus, you are limited to 6 clomid cycles and by not testing him 1st it waisted 3 of them even if I had o'd.

As a side note: the RE left it up to me if I wanted to start my third clomid (I still had the gyn scrip) but she would run the tests and monitor me. Not wanting to waste a month I started it before we had the SA. Though she said not to take the estrogen or progesterone because you only need those if the blood work shows it...and by taking them it mimics your cycle giving you the feeling that the clomid is working when its not.

For the PSA- Take your health care into your own hands. Call your insurance and find out what they cover! Even if you don't have IF coverage most tests to find our if you are going to have problems are covered. And don't think you need a referral to go to a RE, check with your insurance. Just because their practice is labeled a "clinic" doesn't make it any different then going to a dr. office. An RE will see you if you have had a history of irregular cycles. And if they run the tests and everything shows normal, you can still try on your own. But if they find something you will save your self months of stress!

I changed my blog title

It seems more fitting...last year everything baby that crossed my path just made me want one. All the cute baby clothes, nursery stuff, all those damn pottery barn kids catalogs and the sight of all our friend's little ones. Now it seems getting this baby is going to be like a science fair project with me as the main subject. As noted before, PCOS seems to be to blame on my end. Had the HSG and that was all clear (finally good news! and it really didn't hurt as much as I was thinking). My husband repeated his SA, much higher sperm count (tho still a bit lower than normal) but still less than 1% are good. This weeks tests include blood sugar and Jewish genetic disorders for me and hormone levels for him. Though non-practicing my family is from eastern Europe and if I'm a carrier dh will be tested because his has Jewish heritage too...funny that he is Greek orthodox. He is half Greek and half polish, I am Hungarian, Lithuanian and German...our kids are pretty much guaranteed dark hair and have a small chance of getting my blue eyes. If I was Greek we would be tested for Greek genetic disorders, this is all due to family marring family back in the day. Read Middlesex (an Oprah book club book), very good book about what inbreeding can do. I'm not too worried about this but if we move forward with IVF and we are both carriers for certain genes they will do tests on the embryos. When these test results come back we will decide how to move forward. Until then I am awaiting AF but since I didn't O this cycle not sure when she will show...if I get to 42 days I can take progesterone to start.

Now, doesn't this sound like a science fair project more than baby making?

Italy anyone?

I find irony in the travel magazines in RE's office. While sitting in the waiting room today I passed the Italy issue to my husband...who said "Italy? um, maybe sometime." and I thought isn't that the truth! We are of the very luck ones who have some sort of IF coverage, all be it $20K is not going far but its something! After $20K its out of pocket for us. So its not like we are planing any big international vacations right now and I don't really see it in the cards with a new born either. My mother in law is planning her trip to Greece for next summer and we are dying to go back, funny just a few months back we said, "well, if I got pregnant this month the baby would be 6 months old...do you think we could handle a 9 hour flight?" Then it was 5 months, then 4, then 3, then we said "well if it doesn't happen this month there is no way". Now if I do get pregnant I wouldn't be due until after she comes back.

So in conclusion, I really do like everyone at my RE's office, but lets think about the magazine selection a bit more...

Just not my month...

If anyone did read my last post I decided to delete it because it was not very nice...but no, my sister in law is defiantly not preggo! I'm not actually even sure if they are trying, the Internet searches could have been about her friends b/c I know her bff just had a baby so who knows.

On to my news...no new is good new...too bad I have too much news. The only positive from the last month is my project went very well! Yeah for me! as for the rest of it-

Clomid cycle two ended with AF on the day of my big review of said project, don't ask me how I kept it together but lets just say instead of the celebratory happy hour everyone else wanted I came home and took Tylenol pm until I passed out for 12 hours.

But I am no time waster at this point, I had an appointment on day three of my cycle at the RE's office- new dr. -so over my gyn...more on that later.

FSH done, normal. Yeah! at least I have eggs in there somewhere.

Sono shows PCOS...not a total shock, 8 years ago I was told it was a possibility, but my current gyn thought I was having "normal" cycles so I really didn't question this too much. Sono also show no large cyst, all clear for clomid cycle #3. HSG test scheduled to see if tubes are clear and if uterus is shaped correctly.

DH gets seaman analysis.

Day 9- + opk, thus HSG canceled.

Go for blood work and mid-cycle sono on day 12...shows nothing. Nothing is going on, my LH is high b/c of PCOS and the only thing clomid is doing is giving me hot flashes. HSG rescheduled for next week.

SA results...low count and very low morphology...so what sperm are there move but there are not many of them and only 1% are the right shape.

Spend entire day crying then drinking enough wine to pull it together to get to a rehearsal dinner one of my DH's bffs. timing sucks.

and the kicker- its MY sister who is preggo. my little sister at that. she is the very first one of her friends to even get married let along pregnant. THIS JUST SUCKS.

Bent Over, no Really Bent Over

It came out at work yesterday that we are indeed trying for a baby. My co-workers are persistent and spend much of the day thinking how to get under your skin until you crack. Well finally I was like YES good lord you people are nosey. But it also ended their fun because they have nothing left to annoy me with. But as soon as my boss entered the room they told her (which is totally fine, we are not one of those companies who frowns on the situation and esp. not my boss) and she goes "oh, well let me tell you how to do it" This really got everyone riled up. She said the office secret (and let me tell you our company might as well be in the baby business because as a whole we reproduce like rabbits!) is to do it from behind. Just not from behind laying down but really bent over on all 4's. Then she gave us the list of those this worked for....including herself...twice. Needless to say that project I mentioned in a previous post is not making enough progress. And I will have to now update her on the outcome of her advise so she can add me to the list of those this has worked for.

Other random notes of this entire conversation:

23 year old male: are you doing anything special to get pregnant?

ME: as in WHAT? Do you really want the details of my sex life??

23 year old male: well, I know you can't get pregnant if the girl is on top or if you do it standing (this was before my boss had entered the room)

ME: in your case I wouldn't count on that unless you are ready to be a dad at 23

23 year old male: I guess, I do have super sperm...its like a bunch of Michael Phelps down there.

ME: God help us all if that's the case

32 year old male: It took my wife and me a year

ME: in my head...good, b/c if I hear of one more person who got knocked up the 1st month of trying I'm going to scream! and when you know someone is trying to you think its helpful to tell them that??

23 year old male: your sperm must suck.

Can't wait till for today!


Well I am pushing back my test date...10 days left. Next cycle we will try clomid and the office secret.

Do you want grandbabies or not??

We took a little trip to the beach this weekend only to find out we were to be sharing the room with my husband's 20 year old brother...not exactly the ultimate situation.

11pm Friday: FIL says to me (as I was going to bed and dh was brushing his teeth in the bathroom)- You don't mind if Mike sleeps in the other bed in your room right?
Me: um, no I guess not. (what am I going to say!?, Hello, do you want grandbabies or not?? This night could make the difference!)
FIL: welll, he just went out with friends for a few hours but I'm sure he will be quiet when he comes in. (This is the difference between 20 and 30, 20- wouldn't even think of going to bed at 11pm on a Friday night, especially at the beach, 30- hello people, when need to get the baby making going so we can be asleep by midnight!)
Me: ok, no problem.
11:15 DH comes into the room and I tell him.
DH: what the f*ck! Thanks for the advance warning...but can't really say that to his dad.

So we know we should have a couple hours unless they realize they are not 21 yet and there is nothing to do...we go to lock the door and realize the lock is broken and so is the latch- so the door could just swing open (especially if someone opens the patio door and creates a breeze). Fortunately for us there is a small chair in the room and we prop it against the door. My in-laws have gone to their room so we feel pretty safe about the situation. We get to business and are long asleep when my brother in law comes in (um, at 3:30am).

Side story: It will be funny if I actually do end up pregnant this time. On our wedding night we had an after party in our suite, mostly friends plus Mike. Mike is 12 years younger than my husband. After too many drinks we told him to lay down on the sofa b/c we didn't need him roaming around the halls underage and drunk. Well around 3 am we left the party and went in to the bedroom of the suite. The next morning I said to dh, I bet Mike is still passed out on the sofa. He said no way b/c their parents had paid for Mike to have his own room. I walk into the other room, and yes Mike was still on the sofa. So there is a running joke about Mike staying with us on our wedding night. So you know he might as well have been there on the night we conceive our child. I wonder if it happens if anyone will figure out the timing?

The next day at the beach dh decides he does not want Mike in our room again...something with the over a decade age difference and not wanting to be woken up at 3 am when he comes in. So, dh decides he is going to be honest w/his dad and tell him we are ttc (tho I'm sure he didn't say "TTC") and it had not been going well, wearing on both of our emotions and how we would like some privacy (in a beach condo filled with people?!). Well, dh tells his dad not to tell me he knows and not to tell anyone (which I know he never would, we tell him pretty much everything because he is the opposite of gossip!) So all Sat. afternoon my FIL is thinking of places Mike can go sleep, other family members are at the beach and he could go sleep there and so on. He decides we will take the mattress out off the twin bed in our room and put it on the floor in the living room. Problem solved. Until Mike had a fit...um, because he is 20 and by no means wants to be told what to do. But my FIL makes him sleep in the living room. Around midnight we go to go to bed...when my FIL and MIL decide to watch old home moves...the film strip kind...on the wall outside our bedroom...so they are sitting two feet from our non-locking door. HELLO??! So we watch a couple with them and then announce loudly we are going to bed. Then it must of clicked with my FIL and he packed up the movies and they went to bed too. All too funny...but I guess he does want grandbabies:)

Finally...

Its day 16 and the that little line on the opk is almost as dark as the test line...so should hit surge sometime today. I was beginning to worry the clomid wasn't going to work this cycle (well, I guess I have no proof it will, I've has + opk's and stilled not o'd) But I have a bit more faith with the clomid. The meds have made me lets just stay a little crazy this month. And my husband has taken up any sport that can keep him out of the house until he is really needed:) One day I'm really angry for no real reason and the next day everything makes my cry. I got really said when I saw the rug I want from pottery barn kids on clearance...I know...what am I doing looking at that stuff its only going to make me crazier! I am half tempted to buy it, its the lamb rug, for a girl or a boy! and we have hardwood floors, so I have to have rugs. But if my husband sees a box show up from pottery barn kids he will prob. have me committed.

this is a joke right?

I have to interview some young knocked up and un-wed chick to be my assistant. Sorry, it behoves me how something I've been trying to do for the last 8 months she did by accident. I mean, unless your condom broke or your birth control failed (and I don't mean you didn't know the age old rule about antibiotics and bc) it was no accident. We all know where babies come from! You made a choice somewhere along the lines that got you knocked up and because of that I'm not about to let you be my assistant...and its mood point any how because I already have someone for the job its just an HR thing that I have to interview her anyway. Besides she is due in 3 weeks, so sure I'm going to hire you so you can leave in 3 weeks for 3 months (she is a current employee at anther site thus making her eligible for maternity leave). I'm sure HR would love this post.

yup, game over.

Well, my lucky day 7/21 passed without a period or a bfp. I pretty much knew at that point af was on her way, at least when she showed up wed. am it wasn't a surprise. Now I'm onto Clomid cycle number 2 and back to getting HOT FLASHES again. And night sweats, oh, I wish my over weight cat would understand that and chose to sleep elsewhere. Nothing like waking up sweating with a 20lb fur ball laying against you. That doesn't even count the hot air emanating off my husband...maybe they could both sleep elsewhere? That is until my husband is needed for baby making!

Well, I did get some day drinking in at the beach with some friends. While my husband golfed with his friend, me and his wife hung out with the kiddos. One who was teething...so we needed some wine to go along with hers. Also took their 3 year old on a walk to the store in a double stroller...um, I think there should be stroller Olympics b/c at that size it a challenge! and it doesn't fit through anything! Plus my husband yells "cross the street now, nothing coming" as if I can just run the thing off the 6" drop of the curb as he is jogging across the street. Of course once I got to the cross walk the light had turned.

So this months cycle goes like this-

Today is day 8
O day should be 8/4
Test day should be 8/18 the day after I have a major project due at work...yesterday at work I was like I can not believe I only have 3 weeks to complete this! than last night when took my pill I was like I can't believe I still have 3 weeks left in this cycle...its going to take forever! Funny how time works...hopefully this project will make the next 3 weeks fly by.

GAME OVER?

Tomorrow AF is due to arrive...no BFP yet but I am holding out a little hope. I could over analyze every "symptom" I think I've had or not had the last few days but is it really worth it? I kind of just feel like going to bed so tomorrow is here and AF can either show or just maybe I can get a BFP. I'm half tempted to call in my clomid prescription now to trick AF...but being that w/my insurance its only $7 I don't think AF would care. I can look forward to a beach trip this coming weekend where I can freely day drink if this week doesn't turn out well!

I guess if I'm going to do this....

I should really post something! I started the blog for my entertainment and so I'll have something to look back at and laugh one day...because sometimes its just not so funny while you are going through it. So to recap the last month....



I returned to the dr. in early June to have to test done to see why we have not had success yet. She agreed that 6mo. of trying was enough to give me some help. She ran some blood tests confirming that I don't ovulate in all my cycles (at least that one anyhow). She said we could just keep trying or I could start the low doss of clomid. She wrote me the scrips and left it up to me. Some people might say we really had not been trying that long but after a good amount of research I decided to give it a go.



My "period" arrived and on the third day I started my first doss. We happen to be at the beach and of course right after I took it I thought all the bad side effects would happen and I would be miserable to be around. I'm guessing I am pretty lucky that I really had little side effects compared to other stories I've read. Except can we say



HOT FLASHES!!!



I will never make fun of my mother again for going through hot flashes. They are no joke! At first it was just night sweats. Which, while they interrupted my sleep I would just to get my husband to lay on the other side of the bed and get the 20lb fur ball of a cat to cuddle something else, I could live with that. What is not so fun is being in a meeting at work and feeling like someone turned the heat up to 110! Yes, I hear prego women say it always feels like that all the time (thus the "glow"), I'm not so much complaining about it but its a bit embarrassing when you just break out in a sweat for no apparent reason to the average on looker.



So it is now day 17...11 days to testing! I am determined to wait until day 28....ok at least day 25.

Oh, so that’s where babies come from…thanks for clearing that up

One of my husband’s friends offered some unsolicited advice. He “warned” my husband that a woman could indeed become pregnant on her 1st cycle off the pill despite what “they” say. He said it happened to him and his wife. So who is this “they”? Because in my experience “they” say you can in fact become pregnant on your 1st cycle. Due to the way this advice was delivered as a “warning” and a “in case you didn’t know” I’m pretty sure his wife told him it would take months of trying in order to get him to agree to try. I’m not sure where he is from, but in my book unprotected sex with no birth control can most certainly equal a baby. Just not in our case yet, and to think my husband’s biggest fear was that it would happen the first time (as they taught us in health class) so we waited until we came back from a vacation. And to my husband’s friend, thanks for sharing how you got knocked up without even “trying”.

First Response should donate to my future kids’ college fund

Because if they come up with one more test I won’t be able to send my kids to school. Oh, yes, please start testing 5 days before your missed period so we can get you to use at least 4 sticks a cycle. Their profits must have doubled once the came up with this so called “early” testing. And I’m sure the cycle it actually happens and I find out “5 days sooner” I will be happy too. But they know the average (just not the people we know) couple takes about 6 months…so that 5 months of using 4 tests opposed to just one or maybe two tests if you were to wait until you miss your period. And my loving husband brought home the expensive digital ones last time…only two of them. He thought one for this month and one for next…not a bad deal. He has no clue how many of those darn tests we take. Plus with those digital ones you can’t over analyze to see if there is even a faint line. Well, what fun it that? I did get the wtf out of him when he saw the price of the 20 pack of opk’s. Don’t even get me started on those! I do refuse to break down and buy the clear blue easy monitor. I will post later on their at home fertility test and how it probably has women jumping off bridges everywhere.

So it starts....

I think I'm going to blame it on the Pottery Barn Kids catalog that showed up on my desk. I just couldn't toss it out...30 min later (after I picked out the bedding of my future and not yet conceived child) I knew I couldn't suppress the urge to have a baby any longer. Next I just had to get my husband on board. Now generally we are on the same page but I wasn't sure he would be will to move up the previous discussed time frame of 2-3 years into our marriage. We had just passed the 6 month mark...I think he knew this was coming, while my girlfriends are all single, the bulk of his friend had already had their first and were on to their second. So after much discussion we picked January as our month to start trying. So much for 2-3 years! Well, now its June and I'm on cycle 6...which I know in TTC time is really not that long at all, um, unless you are the one trying! So why am I starting this blog you ask...well my single girlfriends don't really get it (see future posts) and why I love my husband's friend's wives, I try not to throw our personal business out there for their discussion because lord know how we discuss the personal business of everyone else! So, yes, sharing our personal business with the whole Internet is a better option:) Plus I hope to entertain a few as I have been entertained by others. I have a few posts I wrote before getting the blog underway that I will post next but then everything should be current.